Infidels And The Cheaters Who Love Them

January 28th, 2012 by Dale Kentucky | No Comments »

Have you ever happened across the Jerry Springer Show (I know this group can’t actually be Tivoing it or anything…too high class a crowd) and noticed how people who are cheaters can’t seem to venture too far from home? I mean, the “other partner” always seems to be drawn from a very shallow pool of best friends, sisters, brothers, father-in-laws, etc. All the time.

If you are going to cheat, at least get far enough from the nest that you at might have a fighter’s chance at not getting caught. Right? And good grief, does anyone ever think about how awkward the family time at Thanksgiving is going to be when all of the dust clears?

For the record, no. Cheaters don’t think about any of this stuff. There is no thought process there. Just the occasional adrenaline rush.

Whatever.

Practically speaking, cheaters are by definition non-thinkers. Consideration of details like process and consequences generally cannot be bothered with at all, let alone managed effectively in these situations. So then, it’s not surprising that cheaters tend to get found out…and lose.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not discounting the concept of someone wanting out of a dismal relationship so badly that they may actually want to get caught cheating, just so the burden of ending the relationship is on the other person. I’m sure that enters into it often, actually.

Heavy stuff. Or should I say, pathetic stuff.

Obviously I ruminate upon this sort of thing a good bit. I should, after all it’s my job to. But still, the concept of cheating on a partner in a committed relationship always causes me to rehearse the line, “what goes around comes around” just one more time.

Why?

Well, it’s simple. We as human beings have a pattern. Whether we like it or not, we tend to be painfully predictable. At the very fiber of our being, what makes up our moral core is going to dominate…every time.

So it follows logically that if you choose to cheat, you are going to live the life of a cheater.

Somebody reading this just said, “Duh.”

I couldn’t agree more. “Duh.” So what is up with all the cheating? There are clear consequences to living that lifestyle, and they basically involve getting what you deserve…infidelity. Essentially, if you build a relationship upon the premise of cheating, how can you possibly expect anything in the future but…more cheating? It has been said that after the first time cheating happens, it is forever easier thereafter to repeat the offense. I think there is decidedly some truth to that concept. Once conscience is breached, the proverbial Pandora’s Box is opened.

Suppose for a brief second that you are feeling bored, sick, unattracted and/or flaky toward you committed partner. You have an affair with someone who “floats your boat” more buoyantly. Yeah, well, both you and your new, apparently exciting friend are CHEATERS. And should you choose to leave your committed partner for your new friend, you will both still be CHEATERS.

The takeaway here is that both YOU and your PARTNER will have built whatever you build together upon CHEATING.

Did you get that? And guess what? You’ll do it again.

Like it or not, cheaters indeed keep cheating. Yours will be a relationship built upon dishonesty and lack of integrity. How do you expect such a union to last? Rest assured it will not.

Meanwhile, your spurned ex will be out deserving what he or she wants. A faithful partner is a good catch.

Will you be left wallowing in the error of your ways? Not if you deserve what you want today…and stay true to the partner you say you love. If there are issues, work them out. If you need to get out more together, make it happen. And if you need to break up an exclusive relationship, do so before heading on to “greener pastures”. The proper thing to do is break off one committed relationship before starting another. This is the only way around the cheating issue. And yes…if you are “separated”…consider thoroughly the importance of waiting until the divorce is final before dating other people. You are still married until that happens, and dating under these circumstances generally raises subtle doubts in the mind of those you go out with.

But for Heaven’s sake…whatever you do, don’t sleep with your brother-in-law just to make a point, okay? It’s not going to lead to happiness.

Copyright 2006 X & Y Communications

Want to hear more? Scot McKay is a personal dating coach in San Antonio, TX and founder of X & Y Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating resources. He is the author of the new book “Deserve What You Want”, and hosts the popular podcast series “X & Y On The Fly”. He may be reached at mailto:scot@xandycommunications.net scot@xandycommunications.net or on the Web at deservewhatyouwant.com/ deservewhatyouwant.com/ .

Thoughts from Deik and Kim’s Wedding, for You and Your Marriage

January 27th, 2012 by Dale Kentucky | No Comments »

Deik and Kim, remember that marriage is a COVENANT relationship. It is not merely a contract of convenience, nor a promise to live together as long as each still feels good about the other. It is a COVENANT to love and care for each other until parted by death, or until the coming of our Lord.

Throughout history, covenants have been made between Nations, between Kings and their subjects, between individuals (as in marriage), and even between God and Man. When such a covenant was established, there were rights and duties on both sides, and the covenants were sealed by gifts, by a kiss, by a handshake, or by the sharing of a common meal.

Today, as DEIK and KIM make their COVENANT of marriage to each other, you will see and enjoy these elements:
· they will hold each other’s hands,
· they will give each other their gifts of rings,
· they will kiss to seal the covenant,
· and they will invite you to share a meal together with them at the reception.

All because their Marriage is a covenant relationship of love and faith.

To put this in context, back in Genesis, after the Fall of Mankind, when God was declaring His judgments, and passing out the consequences for the deception and the sin, He pointed out that one of the consequences of a fallen human nature would be that husbands and wives would have conflict in their marriage relationships, as wife would seek to take over the husband’s leadership position, and the husband would respond to the challenge forcefully.

God pointed out to Eve, with Adam right there listening, that, “Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you.”

Now our first thought might be that God is telling Eve that she will have a pure love and desire for her husband, but that he will be some cave man and just want to be the boss, ruling over his wife. But that is not the sense of what God is saying. God uses the exact same phrase, the same words, when he is speaking to Cain in Genesis Chapter Four and warns him that, “Sin is crouching at your door, and seeks to devour you, but you must master it.”

What God is saying to Eve is that she will seek to conquer her husband, but that he will respond by mastering, or ruling over her. As a consequence for their sin, they will not have the loving marriage relationship that God had originally intended for them to enjoy.

Now, fast forward several thousand years, and God gives us the remedy for this problem in marriage. In Ephesians chapters Four and Five, St. Paul gives us great instruction on how we should live in society as Christians, what our attitudes and behaviors should be, how we should treat each other.

He begins this section with these words, “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received. Be 100% humble, and gentle. Be patient with each other and make allowances for each other’s faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace.”

He continues with other powerful, life-changing instructions. And then comes to the place of addressing this specific problem with marriages that we just talked about. God’s remedy for the problem caused by Eve’s self-centeredness, that the wife would “desire to conquer” her husband, is this…

Paul writes…

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Submission is God’s remedy for a heart that seeks to be in charge and be in control.

Then, Paul addresses the husband’s response of wanting to forcefully rule over his wife. God’s remedy for this is…

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and willingly suffered and died for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

His summary is…

“… each one of you husbands must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Paul is telling husbands that they are not to rule over their wives, but rather that a husband is to love his bride in the same way that Christ loves His Bride, the Church. And that each husband is to be preparing his bride for eternity in Heaven.

So Kim, I challenge you to not allow your “inner Eve” to try to conquer Deik, but instead willingly submit to him, in the same way that Christ submitted to the Father, and work with him as the partner and lover that God always intended a bride to be for her husband.

And Deik, I challenge you to love Kim with the same intensity of self-sacrificing love that Christ has for his bride, the Church - never seeking to dominate her, but rather always working to prepare Kim for eternity.

And I challenge you both as a couple, to use your marriage to bless others, and to proclaim to others that “God is Love.”

Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986. He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library’s family of seven web sites, including newideas.net newideas.net, helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of NewIdeas.net Incorporated.