Analyzing This: Where Do You Think I Went Wrong?
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As I promised, today we will analyze the letter from Kevin. He had an unhappy meeting and he wants us to analyze where he made a mistake. Here is his letter:
Hello Slava:
Well, unfortunately my second meeting with Tanya did not go very well. I think she might have had second thoughts about coming to America when she knew the decision time was near.
As you may remember, I met Tanya in June in Kiev and we had a nice 4 days together. I even traveled to Vinnitysa to meet her Aunt and Uncle and see where she lived. This was after we corresponded and talked for 2-3 months. I made a decision not to have sex with here on this trip, even though she sort of tested me on this while we were together in my room. Unfortunately, I found out our trip last week to Malta that she was upset that I did not want sex with her during our first meeting in June. I was trying to be a gentlemen and not a pushy American, and now I find out 3 months later that I was a fool. She also thought that she was too old for me sometimes, and that I was too thin for her? I’m 36 and she is 29, so I thought our age difference was good. I tried to reassure her, but she always seemed skeptical for some reason. I had the opportunity to meet other women from the site, but I did not. I told her this. That I wanted to only get to know her.
When I first met her in Kiev, she said that if I wanted too see another woman on that trip that it was Ok with her. I told her that I had traveled to Kiev to see only her, and that if we did not have a good connection that I would go home. She didn’t bring it up after that. I wasn’t sure if she had a confidence problem or was just not very interested in me. But the rest of the trip went OK.
We started planning our second meeting soon after I arrived home from the Ukraine in June. We spoke at least 3 times a week on the phone from then until our trip to Malta this past week. I tied to get her to come to the USA for a visit, but she did not want to go through the visitor visa interview process at the USA embassy in Kiev. She was afraid of it. We discussed her coming here to the USA, and I was very detailed in describing life in America to her. I made sure to be realistic about it. That she would have to learn to drive a car, etc. Of course, I was ready and willing to make all these things happen for her. I told her that Americans do work most of the time; it’s not a place where people have a lot of idle time. She seemed ready and willing to come here. She wanted to have a child with me and not work, which was fine with me.
But Tanya always had this negative attitude of actually being able to come to America. She said it would take forever, if at all. I reassured her that I would do whatever was necessary to being her here as soon as possible with a Fiance Visa, hopefully within 6 months. For our Malta trip, I did have to contact the Maltese Embassy in Washington DC a few times to get her Maltese Visa approved. A single woman from the Ukraine has a hard time getting a visitor visa to go anywhere, I have found out.
I’m wondering, do you think she may have changed her mind with respect to leaving her home in the Ukraine for America? Does this happen often? From what I found out, the economic situation in the Ukraine is worse than in Russia, so I just can’t understand why she would throw away this opportunity. She has only 1 brother, and she told me she was not that close to her family. I’m a good-looking guy and I’ve never been married, and I don’t have any children. I wasted $4000 on this trip to Malta, but I know I will not do this again. If I travel to the former USSR again to meet a woman, I will not propose meeting in a fun place like Malta, if the woman is not ready to visit the USA.
Tanya spoke good English and was of course pretty, but she did have this habit of always putting on her make-up and clothes just right to be perfect. She would re-do her make-up numerous times a day. We call this type of women high maintenance here in the USA. I also dress well and keep in shape, so I think she was attracted to that.
Unfortunately, Tanya, insulted me more than a few times on the Malta trip, so I left early despite her last minute apologies. She traveled back to Kiev with her travel group SMS, that I had of course paid for. It was almost like she purposely made our Malta meeting bad so that she could stop our relationship. Well, if that was her intent she did a good job of it.
Where do you think I went wrong?
Kevin
==========
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for so long and frank letter. You ask to analyze your situation. Let’s try and understand where you went wrong, and where you did right. I think it will be helpful for all of us.
So, you:
- corresponded with the girl for 2-3 months;
- decided to meet with her at her hometown;
- met her relatives;
- were a gentleman (but not a fool!);
- kept in close touch over phone after the trip;
- planned and fulfilled the second meeting soon after that, during which you talked about starting family.
ОК. All this could make a textbook “From Internet Dating to Marriage”, because you DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! Believe me, thousands of couples follow this algorithm and successfully reach the final lap getting a prize in the form of wedding rings.
The mistakes crept into details. Let’s see:
- Tanya complained that she is “too old for you”. If to exclude poor knowledge of the language, when one can’t select the right words to express his thoughts correctly, then it is obvious that the girl simply flirted with you. 36 and 29 is an ideal age difference! Probably she simply lacked attention? The fact that she wanted intimacy with you only confirms that. You shouldn’t press for sex if a woman doesn’t want it, but to learn this, you should at least have a talk about it, shouldn’t you? 
- Second possible reason. At the age of 29 “too old” sounds ridiculous. It is so absurd that the thought suggests itself: possibly a girl was simply seeking a reason to refuse you and she told the first that came to her mind. At the same time she didn’t want to say no herself and tried to shift it on you by prompting you the idea that “she is too old for you”. But it is up to you.
The fact that she “allowed” you to meet other women also confirms that she didn’t care for you a lot. Any woman, that likes you and willing to start serious relations with you, will NEVER push you to other women. In fact at this very point you should have wished her good luck and started search for another girl who would really become the only one for you!
Lyrical digression. Kevin, you shouldn’t get upset that you will not share your life with this girl. Think that the destiny guarded you. It is clear that the girl simply wasn’t interested in you. When the couple has sincere feelings and care for each other, everything goes right and details doesn’t matter.
“ I’m wondering, do you think she may have changed her mind with respect to leaving her home in the Ukraine for America? Does this happen often? From what I found out, the economic situation in the Ukraine is worse than in Russia, so I just can’t understand why she would throw away this
opportunity”.
It is one of the biggest myths that wonders around the Internet. Both Russia and Ukraine don’t have stable economic situation, but still it is not the main reason why a woman seeks a husband abroad. You mustn’t think that only because you are a foreigner, she will be thankful to you through all her life! Russian and Ukrainian women first of all look for love and family happiness. They just broaden their search beyond the bounds of their country! Certainly, they feel responsibility for their life, for life of their children (probably future ones), that’s why they will unlikely marry a man who lives in a poor country and financially insecure. Every woman will act so, if she is not an adventurer. But for most women money is not the main priority.
I also want to note that some women don’t want to move to America. There are millions of reasons for this! Beginning from too long distance (frequent visits to home are impossible), ending with aggressive foreign politics (dangerous). There have been some cases in our agency when women who first had negative attitude to the US, still married American men. Despite anything. Because the American happened to be Mr. Right!
Generally, these things should be discussed at the stage of correspondence. You must get answers to all key questions that are important for you. What is her attitude to the country you live in, if she wants to have children with you and so on. Don’t be shy to ask questions! I accumulated the full list of key questions in one of the newsletters. If someone needs it, it can be repeated.
Only after you see that a girl shares your life principles and you are sure that she is serious about you, you can start organizing your meeting.
“I wasted $4000 on this trip to Malta, but I know I will not do this again. If I travel to the former
USSR again to meet a woman, I will not propose meeting in a fun place like Malta, if the woman is not ready to visit the USA”.
My advice here would be the following: don’t invite a woman to Malta even if she wants to visit the USA. There are many other easier ways to meet! Unfortunately, you can’t guarantee a good result, but at least you can protect your purse.
It is a good strategy to organize the first meeting at her place. You have two advantages in this case:
1. You pay only for your travel.
2. You have a chance to estimate your future wife as a mistress of the house, meet her parents, get to know her closer.
Many couples content themselves with this one meeting. Others arrange one more date in some romantic place like Paris. Or at some resort of Turkey, Croatia, Spain, Italy. If you are still eager for second meeting, then make sure that your chosen one has also made her choice. Have you proposed to her? Has she removed her profile from the site? Has she had a serious talk with her relatives and got their blessing to move to another country?
So, I can sum up that you did everything correctly, but the girl simply wasn’t interested in you. How could you avoid it?
- Have more thorough correspondence (possibly more time required than 2-3 months);
- Observe your girl well. It is important not only to listen, but to hear what she says! If a girl doesn’t mind your meeting with other girls, most likely, she seeks a reason to break your relations!
- If you have any doubts about the girl, then consult with the agency that know this girl personally before spending much money for the trip. The managers can talk with a girl and find out her true intentions. They can give advice how to behave in this or that situation.
But for this you must choose only those agencies that know their clients personally! We will talk about it in our next newsletter. I’ll tell you how famous and large dating services steal pictures of pretty ladies and pass them off as theirs. How to disclose dating services that don’t bear responsibility for anything?
Irina Chernova
I am 28 years old Russian female, working in dating field for almost 7 years and my specialty is dating articles for ChanceForlove Russian chanceforlove.com Dating Services
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