How To Get Out of Your Dating Rut
SM: What are some ways we can get out of a dating rut?
MK: Stop saying yes to everyone who asks you out. Because I know sometimes you can get in a rut and then you go out and [think], “This guy just said I’m cute, and he’s a lawyer, and he lives here, and he’s really great except I’m totally not attracted to him, but I’ll go out with him anyway and maybe I could be attracted to him.” The thing is: If you can’t be attracted to him then you can’t be attracted to him.
JM: If you’re dating the same person over and over then that’s a pattern in you, it’s not a pattern in them. So what you want to do is look at what is similar in all these guys and go, “Hmm, clearly that’s my problem.”
SM: What day-to-day activities can we do to meet new, quality people?
MK: The best way to seriously break out of a rut is to change the energy around you. It may sound new age-y, but the energy around you really influences the way you feel and the way people act around you. Some ways to change the energy around you is to exercise (if you don’t already). Do something different. If you normally bike or run, go on a hike in the mountains or go swim in a pool. Acupuncture is also an easy way to change your energy. Try committing to acupuncture twice a week for a month and see how that changes your “rut.”
SM: What if we start getting down on ourselves for dating these problem guys?
MK: Girls that find themselves in a rut [can] look at themselves and be in acceptance of where they are. A lot of times just looking at the reality and not always saying, “What’s wrong with me?” but rather saying, “I’m in this phase right now and this is where I’m at,” [is enough]. Trust your process and that it’s all going to work out.
JM: And some of these guys you date are lessons to be learned. They’re very valuable in your life and you want to have gratitude for that as opposed to feeling like a failure.
SM: How can you break your bad dating pattern? Is being aware of it enough?
MK: Really be clear on what it is you’re looking for. Write it down and make a list of what you want and start asking the universe for it.
You need to believe you deserve exactly what you want. If you think men are slime balls you will meet slime balls. But if you start believing you can meet a great person, just like the one you want, you can attract that.
SM: What can we do if we’re on a date with someone and realize that we’re falling into our patterns?
JM: Stop. It may sound simple, but it is easier said than done. We perpetuate our patterns because they serve to keep us comfortable. Change isn’t easy or people would change more often. Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable and sit with it. Realizing that you are in the midst of a pattern is great awareness and awareness is the first step in change. This is a great opportunity to ask yourself what it is about the situation you are in that is triggering your pattern. Use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and why you do the things you do.
SM: What about the idea: We attract what we are?
MK: It’s like the axiom: Water seeks its own level. You’re not going to feel comfortable dating someone who’s really positive and in love with life if you are little miss negative because you’re just gonna want to roll your eyes at him.
SM: What about girls who want a relationship but keep attracting guys that don’t want one?
JM: I, in the past, have attracted non-committal boyfriends and I thought, “What’s the deal with that?” But when I really looked at it, I was attracted to the fact that they were non-committal because I was non-committal and they were perfect for me at the time. So all these girls who say, “I can’t believe he doesn’t want to commit,” think about your life and consider for a moment that, just maybe, you might not be ready for a commitment either.
SM: Any advice for those of us out there dating?
MK: Love yourself; be good to yourself. Treat yourself as you would if you had a daughter. And be open to loving [a] person exactly how they are because you cannot change a person. A person can decide to change, but you cannot change a person. So don’t go in hoping to change anything.
JM: Don’t live in the meantime. We sometimes think, “Oh, I’m not going to have the apartment of my dreams because I’m going to wait for him to come along and we’ll do that together.” But if you just say, “No. I’m going to create the life I want and he’ll eventually come,” then you’re going to have a fabulous life as opposed to waiting for that life to happen.
This article was originally published on savvymiss.com savvymiss.com, a free website community dedicated to connecting, empowering and informing women everywhere. SavvyMiss.com features articles on dating, love, careers, fashion, health, beauty and important societal issues. Members also use message boards and blogs to build relationships with other members.
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