How to Rebuild Trust After Marital Infidelity
The process of rebuilding trust lies with both of you, not just the person who breached that trust. However, if that was you then you must first demonstrate to your partner that you have finished the affair.
The best way to end an extramarital relationship to your partner’s satisfaction is for him or her to be present when you do it, or at least hear the conversation when it is done. Your partner must believe you when you say it is ended, and this is not easy after your proven infidelity.
You must then speak openly about it, without trying to hide anything. If you do that and it is later found out, you will destroy everything you have both worked so hard to achieve. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to imaging how you would feel if the same thing happened to you, then be open and honest, and do not try to justify your actions, no matter how justified you feel.
Part of the healing process for your partner is being able to speak about how they feel. They must be able to express their emotions, and if you are serious about rebuilding your relationship, you must take it. You should also listen, and not close your ears to it, since he or she will be truthfully expressing their feelings, and you must accept it but also hear what they feel. There will be a lot of anger. It is perfectly natural, but after time they will come to accept what you have done, and forgive you.
Without true forgiveness there will be no hope for your relationship, so do not try to force it. Do not plead for forgiveness. It’s not like asking for something tangible, like money. Forgiveness will come when the time is right for your partner. What is the point of forgiveness if the heart doesn’t feel it?
You can help this process by establishing what aspects of your behavior could help. Do they want a bit of space to get used to what they have learned, or should you remain at home for a while, or at least outside normal working hours, until that trust is regained? This desire to ‘lock you up’ indicates that your partner is prepared to stay in the relationship, and that is half the battle. You then have the opportunity to prove that you have made a mistake, and are honest about wanting to keep the relationship alive.
Whenever your partner wants to talk about it, try to do so. However, not at the expense of your own time. The way to rebuild trust is not to be at anyone’s ‘beck and call’. Give them a time when you feel able to discuss it and stick to it. You should also communicate your own feelings and thoughts. How you, yourself, feel is, after all, what caused the whole affair in the first place. If you are the wronged half of the relationship you must understand that and also listen.
One very positive thing you can do to help rebuild trust after marital infidelity is to make promises and stick to them. You will be surprised at how even the smallest promise kept can please somebody whose world has just fallen apart. Indicate that you can still be trusted, even if only in small ways, and you will have taken a big step on what, let’s face it, is not an easy road for either of you. You have both got to want it for it to succeed.
If you are the person wronged, then it is to your credit that you want to help to rebuild your trust of your partner. You won’t achieve this by continually raising the matter whenever you have an argument. Instead you will drive your partner away. You should, after time, try to find out the reason for it. No one is blaming you for your partner’s transgression but the reason for it will not just disappear. It must be identified and dealt with; even it is painful for one or both of you.
Take it slowly and allow time, and you will have an excellent chance of rebuilding trust in each other. Expect a period when you are not trusted, and being questioned whenever you are not at home when you should be; but don’t let it go on too long. Discuss the reasons honestly and without blame to either partner. It is about trust, and once that is regained you should once more be able to live your life in a loving relationship in which each trusts the other.
For more information on building relationships, check out Pete’s site at wakenup.com/relationships/index.php Relationships where he discusses relationships of several different kinds.
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